A Christmas hug (and other awkward moments)

Earlier this month, the boys and I went to the zoo to watch the animals open their Christmas presents.  The small monkeys (not sure of their exact “monkey” name…Laura, does that irk you?  Ha!) had just received their wrapped presents and were checking them out.  When the first mystery monkey, henceforth referred to as MM1, began to open his gift, curiosity got the best of MM2 and he walked over to observe.  At this point, at least 30 people, mostly kids, were watching.  You know where this is going right?  MM1 stopped opening the gift when MM2 got close to it and MM2 began “relations” with it.  The crowd became silent and the parents looked around at one another to see who could come up with the best way to explain what was happening.  Of course, Jack was the first kid to speak up:

 “Mom, the monkeys are excited about their Christmas presents, aren’t they?”

Me:  “Ah, they sure are.  I think the monkeys are giving each other a Christmas hug.”

I awkwardly looked around to get the approval of the other parents…I got the nod and smirk from them and, thankfully, the monkeys went back to their presents, which by the way, were fruits and a rope toy.

A few days later, Buddy, the neighbor’s dog came over for a play date with Dave.  (He comes to our porch when the neighbors are outside with him.  He shakes his collar to make a noise and when Dave hears it, he runs to the front door.  When I open the door, Buddy comes in and he and Dave go run around in the backyard for a few minutes.  It’s really cute.)  Anyway, Buddy had just been over so I took Dave out front with us while the boys played.  I walked Dave over to see Buddy again at the neighbor’s house and the boys came over to tell the neighbors about how he and Dave love to play together in our backyard.  They also go on to tell them how Dave was giving Buddy a “Christmas hug” and how happy Dave must be that it’s almost Christmas.  It was awkward and then I felt obligated to explain to them about what had happened at the zoo.  Also, their 15 year old daughter and her friend were there and I felt somewhat judged by the whole situation and how I handled it.  I can never get out of these situations without them backfiring on me.  I’m sure it won’t be long now before one of the boys asks me what kind of hug Dave is giving Buddy since it’s no longer Christmas time.  Friendship hug?

I finally figured out the problem…

I am the problem.

Jack and I were in the car yesterday and he said to me, “Mom, when we get home, I want to show you something funny”.  I said, “Jack, is it going to have something to do with your butt again?  Why do you think that’s so funny?”  He then said, “Mom, it’s ALWAYS about my butt and you ALWAYS laugh at least a little.”

See…I am the problem.

The gross cannot be out-grossed

There are only a few, precious things I want more than for my boys to stop picking their noses and eating the results of a successful pick.  In this order, I want a healthy and happy family, a life surrounded with loving family and friends, and for my boys to stop picking their noses.  I’ve tried several approaches to get them to stop…shame, guilt, embarrassment…they’ve had no impact at all.  A few days ago, the boys and I were in the car and I glanced in the rear view mirror.  Jack was, of course, picking his nose.  So I decided to try to out-gross them by telling them that every time I see them picking their noses, I would make them stick their fingers in their ears, scoop out some ear wax, and eat it.  They were not deterred.  Both of them, at the same time, stuck their fingers in their ears, sniffed at the ear wax…and, I don’t know what happened next because I quickly averted my eyes and gave my full and undivided attention to driving.  But, the damage had been done and now the boys wanted to talk ALL about ear wax.  We have a weekly ear cleaning routine so on Wednesday nights, right after they step out of the shower, there I am, Q-tip in hand, ready to clean those nasty ears.  This can be kind of exciting because well, sometimes I get some good size nuggets out and we all marvel at them.  Sometimes other people in the house get called into the bathroom to see.  Anyway, I’m getting off track here but my point is that I really thought they got that ear wax was gross.  I was wrong… if boogers are not gross, why would ear wax be?  Hello!!  So I learned my lesson, once again, and will just have to live with having to tell them to keep their fingers out of their ears too.  Maybe I’ll give the shame approach another try.

So it begins...again

So I just reset the ER counter.  The boys and I have been stuck in the house for the last 3 days because first Jack was sick and Callen woke up sick this morning and had a terrible cough.  As soon as my husband got home from work this afternoon, I went out for a bit just to get away.  I went to Toys R Us to check out some sales and while there, Callen’s fever spiked and my husband couldn’t get it to go down.  So off to the ER they went…it looks like he has an ear infection.  Blanton and Callen are still there waiting to get results from the chest x-rays.  The good news is that his fever came down and it looks they’ll be home soon.  It’s almost always me taking the boys to the ER because until just recently, Blanton was always working so many hours.  On my way home from Toys R Us, I stopped by the hospital to get Jack.  Callen was a wreck and just wanted me to hold him.  Blanton clearly had the situation under control but it was hard to see him so upset and hurting.  As soon as he gets home, I’m going to cuddle with him until he falls asleep on me.  I think I need it as much as he does. 

  On a positive note, I think that was the longest stretch we have had without an ER visit.  We went the WHOLE summer without even one stitch in someone's head.  210 days ER-free...not too bad!

A sick kid. (do not use your hands!)

Jack is sick on his 1^st day of Thanksgiving break.  I feel bad for him but he is finally at an age where he accepts that he must rest to get better.  And, for the last several years, he has been good at puking into a bucket…a skill that comes with age and one that I am equally grateful for each and every time him and Callen are sick.  Right now, Jack is in his bed, tucked in, and watching a movie.  He wants Dave to be in there with him, but Dave always follows me everywhere I go and won’t stay in his room.  Anyway, this is not my first sick kid…I know the routine and I hate to admit it, but I can usually get a lot of stuff done when the boys are sick...a definite upside.  So here are some things I have learned about having a sick kid at home:

- they want to be loved on and treated like they are the center of the universe and, for the duration of their cold, to me they are;  J

- if they need to vomit and you do not have anything for them to vomit in to, your first instinct will be to let them puke into your hands.  Although this may prevent some puke from hitting the carpet, it doesn’t work well enough to make it worthwhile.  Oh, and you’ll also have your hands full of puke;

- the kids get a nice break from each other and what a relief that is for EVERTYONE.  No fighting, no bickering, and no brotherly playfulness that always gets out of hand and ends in someone crying…always;

- a sure sign that the sick child is feeling better is that all behavior listed in the previous bullet will resume;

- do not give the sick child any sort of bell or noise making object to use if they need you.  By the end of the day, that object will have drained you of your patience…and believe me, you’ll need all of it if it’s a bad cold and there’s vomiting involved (remember, not in your hands!)

- pay attention to their symptoms and behavior while they're sick.  It will help you in the future to be able to determine when he or she needs to see the doctor AND since your kids will feel good about being the center of attention for a while, you may also need to be able to raise the bull sh*t flag on them in case they try to take advantage of the situation;

- when they are feeling better, they will try to take advantage of the situation.  They will expect you to continue to wait on them and respond to their requests for food as they yell them from down the hall.  Beware and follow your instincts!  Trust me…that’s what they’re doing.

IHOP, Santa, beer, and me

We all know that some crazy things can come out of our kids' mouths.  What they say is sometimes the funniest, most embarrassing, most honest things we have ever heard.  And sometimes, they say things that make us wonder what the heck they are learning from us.  Okay, so here's what happened tonight at IHOP: my husband and I were trying to get the boys to settle down and stop bothering each other.  So of course, the topic lately has been Christmas and what they need to do and how they need to behave if they want Santa to bring them toys.  So basically, Santa = leverage, at least for me.  The conversation went like this:  "Hey boys...it's getting cold outside.  Guess what cold weather means?  (blank stares from all, including husband) It's getting closer to SOMEONE coming to visit...and guess what that SOMEONE brings????"  Well, Callen opened his mouth and said, "beer".  I do not know what I am doing that would make my son think that Santa will be bringing beer for Christmas.  And did he mean for him or hubs and I????  I decided not to ask and I knew by the look on my husbands face that he wanted to let it go too.  It was kind of funny and I did laugh a bit, but seriously, it does make me wonder if I'm keeping the family train on the tracks or if I, at some point, built the track wrong which will eventually derail the whole train.  I'm not sure but I do know that it was not my most proud moment as a parent.  Oh, and Callen also farted quite loud several times while at the table which his plastic booster seat amplified.  So yeah, it was an interesting night but at least IHOP has free kids meals from 4-7pm every night.

His whine, my wine

I seriously need to vent!  Callen has been a wreck lately and is fighting back about everything.  No matter what I ask him, he whines, resists, and throws a fit.  Here are some examples:

- he had a huge meltdown at Jack's soccer game last Saturday.  He wanted to play Bey Blades with some other kids, but they haven't been getting along lately so I kept them apart. 

- his preschool class had a Halloween party last Friday and he was complaining about going because he wanted to "stay home with Dave".  When we got there, he screamed and kicked and refused to go into the building.  I went in and watched him from the front door and he just stood outside on the walkway, arms crossed in "pout position" and lower lip over his upper lip.  He eventually came in after 20 minutes and some enticing by another parent.

- and today, I had to take him to Kids Camp so I could help with Jacks Halloween party in his class.  On the way there, he started in on the whining and I reminded him that tonight was Halloween and he would be trick or treating later.  He said he didn't want to and that he wanted to stay home.  See, there is nothing I can say that he will just agree to and be happy about.  Anyway, he loves Kids Camp, but I had to carry him out of the car while he screamed and cried.  After I left, I called to check on him and, of course, he was fine and having fun. 

I feel like I am getting a taste of what his teenage years will be like.  It's scary.  The little guy is clearly tired but refuses to sleep.  Just a few minutes ago he had a fit because he wasn't allowed to play the Wii until he cleaned up his room.  After some hardcore whining, he went in his room and slammed the door.  I just checked on him and he is asleep under his art desk.  Below is a picture I took last week:

I'm at a loss...any and all ideas are welcome, as are donations of wine, beer, and earplugs.